The Spice Rack

Hello 26

2012-02-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

My birthday has come, and gone in a very graceful manner. I find that as I get older I have less desire to go out and more desire to stay home or just loaf around in sweats and fuzzy slippers. My 26th fell on a Monday. I did nothing Friday. I did nothing Saturday. Sunday my ex took me out to see stomp followed by a delicious dinner at Brazil Brazil. On my birthday my girls took me to Buddakan (Asian fusion) and we also had a fabulous dinner and i got my wallet in a lovely wrapped box.

My friends asked me what I have planned for 26. Nothing in particular except to better myself and truly get my future together. I will make a more earnest effort towards grad school having decided that I want to be in school for Fall 2013. Anything before then will be undoubtedly forced and Id rather that not be the case.

I also celebrate 15 years of friendship with my BFF (who's birthday was this past sunday). Its really dope to see someone mature from adolescence into adulthood, and do so beautifully.

Well, that's it for now. I guess more to report next time. Adieu

Happy MLK Jr Day... and then some.

2012-01-17T01:49:00.000-05:00

I have to give credit to my friend Malcolm for asking why I didn't blog today. Funny that he mentioned it because I forgot. I had full intentions of blogging today. So much going on. So many things to be said. On a national holiday no less. Well, technically it is over but for the purpose of this blog, it is still MLK Jr Day.

I don't think much of the holiday. I didn't get it off and that is not the reason i don't think much of it. It more so boils down the fact that throughout elementary schooling (upwards to HS as well) they drill MLK into your head as damn near the sole and/ or pinnacle of the civil rights movement. Everyone knows about the "I Have a Dream Speech." I am not sure that people know about anything else he did, much less what he stood for aside from non- violence. I admit my ignorance. I learned something new about him today. Like many others I thought he was assassinated for his fight for racial equality. Partially true, yes. But more so his sentiment towards the Vietnam war. He was completely against it. Sooooo he got got. Sad really. And they say we have freedom of speech. A disillusion of some sort.

So... Dannielle proceeds to watch a 40 minute clip of his Anti- War speech. Feeling like she should share her newfound knowledge, posts the link on her G+ feed. Only to be met with some angry Isrealite calling him a two bit nigger who sold his people out. Hitting me with some bible quote. Blah blah blah. See link below. Threw me off a bit, and by bit i mean not really. Blocked him from my profile and laughed at such sentiment all because i said miss me with your bible banter.

Angry Isrealite Response

Now don't get me wrong. I aint bashing anyone who is deeply religious. That's your life. Just miss me with bible quotes. I don't read it. I aint nearly religious. And although MLK Jr mentions God in his speeches quite often and follows His word, I actually don't put much thought to that. You can separate your religious thoughts from your political ones providing that you aren't close minded. People (like that angry isrealite) are so damn wrapped up in their religious matrix that they get blinded. Just miss me with it all together. Thanks in advance.

For entertainment purposes, but still related. The MLK Boondocks Episode. GREATNESS

WILL YOU IGNORANT NIGGAS PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?! (YouTube)

Anddddddd another tidbit of information. The X-Men character profiles of Professor X and Magneto were based off of MLK Jr and Malcolm X. Makes sense now don't it? I am more along the lines of Malcolm X and his ideologies though. But white america just wasn't having that.

Onto less dense issues....

Today was also Aaliyah's birthday. RIP. Beautiful girl taken before her time. Fairly decent singer but she was still a fool for hopping on that Cessna. Sorry.

So.. How about an update on my love life or lack there of?

There was a dude I met on NYE and we have been talking via text often since then. We went to dinner sunday evening. Very casual. Nothing romantic. Not nearly flirtatious. Not spectacular. Not boring. Very middle of the road. I don't feel indifferent about him or the date so I guess we can hang out again. LOL. Space filler i suppose. I am not looking for a relationship or anything. I am just enjoying my life. No other major prospects. Just a few people looking to hop in the sack and I don't want that.

My Birthday?

No plans. STILL. All I been fucking doing is spending money. Glasses that I pick up tomorrow. iPhone that I bought on Saturday. I still have more money to spend. Cake and a bag. If I even buy the bag. Ugh. Tired of this. Someone spoil me for a change dammit!!!

And so ends this entry. I'm tired. My thoughts for the day have been purged. Maybe another blog will appear tomorrow. Let's gauge my laziness. LOL.

Unicorns

2012-01-11T00:24:00.001-05:00

I'd like to think myself to be an attractive young lady capable of holding intelligible conversation. I know what I want in life for the most part. I know what I like and what I don't like. I have my head on my shoulders. I associate with people of similar characteristics. Why is it that when we go out with some men they are in shock and awe like they never met someone like us. A deer in headlights. Like we some damn mythical creature, hence Unicorns.

Unicorn Source

That's Twilight Sparkle by the way. I don't know why there is such surprise when some men meet us. Are we that damn rare? Should we be considered 1- mythical or 2- be put on the list of endangered species. My best friend said it best: beauty doesn't preclude intellect. Im flattered that you that you find me amazing. I mean, after all, I am awesome. But seriously, I'm not the only one out there like this. Open your eyes. There are more.

In other news... IM GETTING OLD.. HAHA

Nah but for real tho... My birthday is in 3 weeks and I have no plans. It will fall into place I am sure but I did come to the conclusion that I just want material gifts this birthday. Not the usual me. But I want em!

Someone buy me a Marc Jacobs bag! Please. =)

26 in 26

2012-01-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

Days that is. It's no major birthday like 16, 18, 21, or 25. "Tired 26" as my sister said with regards to my getting a sheep cake for my birthday. Yes, I am ever so serious. I am still in the schematic design aspect of my cake. I don't plan on investing much in to celebrating my 26th year on this planet. By no means am I devaluing myself, I just can't be bothered with the she she fru fru hoopla of celebration. I just want a nice gift, intimate dinner(s) and a relatively smooth day. I ask for no more, no less.

You know, I didn't think that I would be here at this point in my life and I don't mean that I think I would be dead or anything like that. I just thought I would be in a different place with regards to a professional lifestyle. Time to change that. Go gung ho and set forth on a journey to REALLY better myself. Personally, I never invested much thought into anything romance related. I usually just swept that under the proverbial rug.

I'm beginning to realize that with age I am growing more sentimental as well as more intolerant of stupidity. Random, but just something I noticed.

Well, here's to a brief entry. My thoughts are clouded due to this cold. Sinus trouble, congestion, and a dry mouth like I been chewing on chalk. Time to leave and head to this Piano lesson. Ode to joy.

Update 8:27

Postponed. Time clash. Came home to drink some OJ.

Damn.. 2012 already?!

2012-01-03T01:02:00.001-05:00

According to Mayan calendars the end of the world as we know it should be arriving shortly. At least I can say that I enjoyed my entrance into the new year. Wasn't drunk. Didn't spend a lot of money and I was in good company. Even looked kinda cute.

Jillian and myself

As I probably said earlier, I don't make resolutions only to break them in the first 3 months. Perpetual growth. I am going to start learning how to play the piano though. Something new, not nearly a goal.

I also crossed off a bucket list item. I saw New Edition in concert. *ALL SMILES* Even though I couldn't take Ralph home, I was very happy to experience something that I've been dreaming bout for as long as I can remember.

New Edition. Yes, all 6 of them.

And as if on cue, a cold for the new year as well. -_______________- I currently sit here with a tissue stuffed up one nostril thats runny and congested. Ode to Joy.

I have nothing much else to say other than that I look forward to 2012 and whatever it may hold. New friends, new experiences, etc etc. With that being said, Happy New Year.

VOILA!

2011-12-28T01:52:00.000-05:00

So I left with the post M_____ Christmas. I figured out why I was so goddamn miserable. I was lonely.
Shocker, no? Me. Lonely. One who loves silence and alone time. Lonely. I mean half my family was gone and that made for an EXTREMELY quiet christmas. When I realized that I wasn't spending any kind of time with my friends either that made matters worse. I did manage to get out on Boxing Day and that made me feel a whole lot better. I even gave the Stapleton clan some gifts. Mini Santa Claus of some sort.

If there was anything I learned from this holiday, I learned that it really aint shit without people you care about. I mean I knew that before but I didn't think it could be so damn painful. I didn't miss gifts. I never been the materialistic kind. I cherish friends and family for sentimental value. Not what they can provide for me physically. Don't get me wrong though, I do like gifts. Of the monetary kind. Or electronic. Or a good book. You get the point.

In other news,
End of the year is steadfast approaching. Thankfully. What a full year. What a fast year. Looking forward to seeing you 2012. You and I will be doing quite a bit this year.

I guess thats it. Back to Undun and my book. I'll try and squeeze a blog before the year's end.

M________ Christmas

2011-12-26T00:35:00.003-05:00

Insert the M word of your choice. For me it may just be mundane. Melancholy. Miserable perhaps. Not merry. And I find it ironic that as much as I like to get away from my family the holidays are pretty damn dry without them. Half my family is gone. Although I thoroughly enjoy the silence, it is still odd. No tree. A few jokes but nothing Christmas-y about today at all. Today was the first Christmas that I spent with minimal amount of relatives and no friends. I spent most of my day sleeping. I only got up to eat. Socialize a bit and took my ass right back to bed because there was nothing else to do. I got about 11 merry christmas texts, to all of which i replied same to you. I didn't say merry christmas to anyone except on twitter at the stroke of midnight. Im not feeling merry so i aint feigning like I am. I got one thing for christmas. A flask I asked for within my secret santa with friends. Ive made use of that. Blessed it with some Bacardi gold.

I think that that is about all of the joy I might have gotten this whole weekend. And it was in a container. Literally.

Mom said something to me that threw me for a loop yesterday as I asked her if Domo went to Canada. Domo is my sisters boyfriend. She replied of course emphatically. He is a part of the family. One day you will have a bf who will be just like that, and God help us all. Or rather, God help him. I just said thanks mom. You made me sound like a defect. She asked me if I thought I wouldn't find someone like that. I said IDK. Im not looking. She said you don't have to look. She did apologize because that was never her intent to make me feel a way about it. Yet, and still I do.

So as I said, Ive spent most of my day sleeping and away from people in general. I sat at my kitchen table eating a late dinner watching favorite videos on YouTube. The only holiday that I ever had a bf was when I was with Sean. And I brought him home to meet my mommy and my best friends and then I went by him and I don't remember much aside from that. Ive always had family around and friends to bother on this day and this year it is so different. I know that I am a loner but I guess I have boxed myself in so much that I am now suffering from it.

Im quite sure that me listening to the Carpenters isn't helping.

Hope its a warm week. I have some running to do.

*Sigh*

5 O'Clock in the Morning....

2011-12-18T16:21:00.000-05:00

No Pretty Ricky though. At 5 AM I was having a really dope conversation. Between lack of sobriety on his part and mostly fatigue on mine, I had quite the chat with this guy I met last night. I mean the time of this chat is neither here nor there (although I do find that the best conversations occur at ungodly hours of the day) but he made a rather valid statement. Your mid twenties are basically adult puberty.

I feel like as a 25 year old and perhaps other people within my age range go through what I have come to call a quarter life crisis. This falls between that time when you are not quite young as a 21 year old but not in your 30s where I feel that one should be formidably accomplished in life. I can not speak for others but I have had multiple occasions ( not often and not back to back) where I have questioned my purpose in life and what am I doing wrong to be where I am. I question (ed) what is it that makes me happy? What is success to me? How do I get there? So many questions and these are just to name a few. I found myself heavily disheartened by lack of job opportunities and lack of drive within myself. Saddened by the Catch 22 of employment. Saddened when I started to compare my status to others which is ultimately the worst thing to do. Discontent with oneself is a bitch.

I have moved past that for the most part and started working towards bettering myself as well as being content with self, which is no light feat. Got off my ass (and literally in one sense ) and got moving. Although I have fallen off the wagon of grad school I did start looking stuff up and I do have drafts of admissions essays. I started applying to jobs. I mean there aren't a lot but I did. I am just generally trying to work on me. Its in progress. Perpetually.

2012 will be quite the year considering I see a WHOLE lot of changes. I will be a better me. I promise you that.

Seemingly pointless blog.. But hey, Im blogging.

The year in review

2011-12-16T00:42:00.000-05:00

Last official blog post was a full 6 months ago. Me + Blogs + Dedication = DNE (Does Not Exist). However, in light of my other friends blogging more frequently, I decided I should try again. This time maybe I will actually click the submit button for it to be shared. I could let this fade completely into oblivion (being that I let my tumblr page do that) but my friend Jessica requested a link to my blog. Why? She would like to reference the person from whom she got pointers for running a 5K from no other person than this kid. *Points to self*

Yes, Ive started running again. Story of my life. Back and forth with everything I do. I try to spare myself that with men. Everything else tho I always come back to it. I guess it's ADD of some sort. Either way, I am back on my running kick. No pun intended. I find myself hoofing it around the park again because I am aiding Annie in her goal to get in shape. I too need to do the same, but for different purposes. I plan on running during the winter so that by the time spring approaches I'll be nice and lively and able to buss out a good 7 miles on any given day. Border line lunacy? Perhaps. Feasible? Definitely. End goal? Marathon. And I WILL get there.

But back to the actual post. Year in review which may be a little premature being 2 weeks shy of the new year. I figure I should write it closer towards the end but something tells me that that will not happen so I better get it all out while i have the inclination to do so.

2011 was an interesting one. That I will say. Full of ups and downs and curve balls. Twelve months is a long time. So much happened I barely know where to start. Aside from the obvious, I really don't know. In no particular order.

My 25th Birthday. Calm and Enjoyable
Got with Greg. Broke up with Greg.
Went to Miami with the girls. (July)
Went to Vegas with my sister and another set of negros (October)
Got my tattoo finished ( finally)
Cut my hair short in march. Started growing it back in July. I know. Mess.
Met some of the CKs
Found a great set of ladies with whom I can talk to about anything.

And that's pretty much the gist of my 2011. I don't remember anything I set out to do. I won't even set out for anything in 2012 either. I decided that it's better for me to keep it real generic because specific goals might not get accomplished and i'll just be sad at the fact I didn't do it. 2011 was a good year. I will not shy from the statement and I only expect 2012 to be better. Having cut off a lot of bad seeds and finding things that made and make me happy made for an enjoyable year. I plan to continue working on bettering myself in every which way possible. I have much growth to do. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Just everything, and that's fine. Im 25. I have time.

Well, here goes my year in review. Maybe if Im frisky I'll write something tomorrow. Who knows...

Black Beauty

2011-06-02T00:00:00.002-04:00

No, this blog will not be about the horse but about the beauty of black people, specifically women and how we see see ourselves and others.

Its no secret that the way we look at ourselves was conditioned from days of slavery. Field slave versus house slave evolved into the brown bag test and here we are today. Despite no longer being physical slaves, the slave mentality still exists and we constantly berate ourselves and each other.

I have had various versions of this conversation with people. Let me take it in parts.

Black Women & Hair

There is nothing more controversial than a black woman and her hair. Hair has heavy connotation with beauty in the black community, regardless of how you have it. You can't please these people at all. For most of my life I had long, thick, healthy hair. Many people were jealous of my hair because I mean seriously, how many black girls did you know growing up with long hair. Don't worry, I'll wait because I know it's not many. Either way, I was always praised for having long hair, however I found it to be dull and gradually grew scissor happy approaching adulthood. Of course cutting my hair was met with much criticism. I could give a rats ass about how people felt. No one was dealing with my hair except me, my mama, and the hair salon. You have ZERO input. So I went from long, to medium, to bob, to precision. My bob was awesome and it's my second favorite cut. After I did that I realized that I no long liked hair on my neck. Precision cuts though? That is my heart. I kept precision cuts for 4 months and then cut it all off. Talk about community hooplah. It wasn't even that I looked bad (I know I am not ugly) it was just unexpected. I was natural for 14 months. Had my fro on and rocking. I got tired of that and here I am again with a relaxer and a precision cut.

Now in that short space of about 3 years, throughout my many phases I have faced so much criticism, praise, adoration and attracted all kinds of men. Between relaxed and natural, most preferred my hair relaxed. I as well, just because I like combing my hair. Between short and long, most preferred long. No surprise, that seems to be the standard amongst black folk. Long, straight hair. Rastas, crazies, and naturalists (people just digging natural chicks) loved the fro. I loved it too, just not the work behind it. Most of my boys loved me with short cuts. Some were saddened when i got rid of the fro but eh... it's life. You cant always win.

I mean in the end, I did what I wanted because I seek to please no one else but myself. If you happen to like it too, then you lucked out. I say all of this because if you are weak minded you fall into the abyss of insecurity and will find yourself conforming to the hair trends just so that you will be deemed beautiful which can include some of the following: weaves, locks, shaved heads.. etc. Dont go natural because its in. Dont get long weaves because thats what people like. Do what works for you.

And to branch off slightly, let me say this about natural hair. I feel like A LOT of black people have it in their minds that we are "nappy headed hoes" when in actuality, all you need to know is how to treat your hair to have it work for you. Regardless of your curl pattern ( I was a 4b). Do your product research. You can have a magnificent natural coif for the thickest of hairs. There are even salons that cater to natural hair. Dont believe the hype. There is no such thing as good hair. You just gotta know how to deal with yours.

And if I haven't been clear enough, when ever you get a chance check out Chris Rock's "Good Hair"

Black is Beautiful (?)

Why do I question it? I never seen a set of people who discriminate each other so much because of skin complexion. Light skin versus dark skin. What about people who are part of neither group. Im brown skin! Tupac said "the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. I say the darker the fresh, the deeper the roots"

Yet, you have some dark skinned people wishing they were lighter, light skinned people wishing they were darker. Me personally? I like to tan. I get golden brown like a turkey. I have no preference with regards to whom I am attracted to. If you cute, you cute. I hate when people are like he/ she cute but they light/ dark skinned.. WTF THAT GOTTA DO WITH ANYTHING? There is one thing to have a preference of whom you are attracted to, but quite another to think that there is some kind of flaw with being light skinned or dark skinned.

Now the funniest thing is that white people are fascinated by black people. Our complexion. Our hair. Our culture. The various shades we come in. Varying hair textures and what we do with it. How they appreciate us but we don't appreciate ourselves?

S H A M E

Media Portrayal

Commercials/ advertisements always show the light skinned curly hair black folk. The darker tones get no love? Are the light skinned folk better than everyone else? OOO cant forget the light eyed negros either....Music videos might be the only thing that has diversity but even for a bit it was just the light skinned honeys getting love. Sorry to the dark sisters out there.

Going further back, cartoons even depicted us as being dark skinned and big lipped. Some cases it is applicable but that just goes to show you what society once thought and still does think of you. It's not flattering images most of the time and some people dont want to deal with that so they seek to change it as a means of "pleasing" society.

When media is not dealing with the aspect of physical appearance, our behavior/ mannerisms are brought to light and they don't reflect too kindly upon us. We have shows with the uppity black people who feel holier than thou. The ghetto ones. The bourgie ghetto ones. The intellectuals. All different types just to say the least. Baby mamas and baby daddys. Drug dealing up to no good men. You know it and I know it. All sorts of variety. More bad than good.

There isnt enough media out there to strengthen the way black people should feel about themselves. Even when you do have positive individuals in media it helps, but is still faced by criticism because of one thing: insecurity. For example: Beyonce. Great artist, great looking, successful, classy blah blah blah. I respect her grustle ( grind + hustle) . Dont like her one bit. People love her. She is a great role model but when you cannot deal with your own shortcomings/ insecurities, it transforms into hate. Unjust hate. And its sad that the people we should idolize, we don't because we low key envy them.

Shame....

I will always think that we, black people, are a beautiful people but after centuries of mal-conditioning from the days of slavery, media and self loathing, we wont ever truly appreciate our beauty.

Damn.

Dannielle, and Relationships

2011-05-25T01:01:00.004-04:00

As a typical Aquarius, I have never been one pegged for relationships. I float from one guy to the next, never fully investing feelings. Care, yes. Emotions, no. Shameless flirt. Promiscuous depending on who's eyes look at me. Either way I'm usually single and quite happy with it. Every now and then, I find myself in a relationship. I can say I've been in 2 serious ones.

The first was Sean and that lasted all of 9 months. Ended on bad terms. We broke up for the similar reasons but with opposite reasoning. He said "I'm not used to this relationship thing. I get tired of seeing and talking to the same person so often." I told him i don't read minds and granted him space. i didn't talk to him until 2 months afterwards and I insulted him at every waking opportunity I had. Now? We are civil. I would even go out on a limb and say that we are friends. He has his gf for some time now. She got a man jaw, but as long as he happy that's cool. His mom still ask for me though. HA.

The second is the one who I have mentioned in previous blogs, Greg. Ended on good(?) terms. I question it just because there are or were so many atypical facets of our relationship that it just made it seemingly odd. Greg and I got along fine no problem. Never argued. Discussed, but never argued. First major issue we had revolved around my behavior, specifically regarding flirting. I toe the line he said.

Now before i go into this issue, recall my personality as described earlier. Shameless flirt. Happy single. Typically avoid relationships like the plague. Let's go.

I ask what is toeing the line? No answer, because that would be me possibly toying with his intelligence which he hates so much.

I ask who was I flirting with? No answer, because I know what I did

I ask what was I doing exactly? No answer, because I know what I did

Long story short, i ask specific questions only to get ambiguous ass answers with no form of clarity because I supposedly know what I did. I dont know that what Im doing is wrong because its my habit and when you dont make an attempt to correct my behavior, or help me correct it, DA FUCK IM S'POSED TA DO!?!

So boom... He said my actions will just be changed a little bit but my behavior or feelings towards u will not change. I automatically questioned that cuz that made no fucking sense to me what so ever but whatever. Time passes and despite him saying that, things do change. We start to noticeably talk less. No more good mornings or good nights. He not training. He begins salsa lessons. Yea.... So one Sunday we go for a walk and he asked if i noticed any changes.. and I say not really but it was him asking a "random" question only to come back to the main issue of him not backing up his word. If there is anything i know about Greg is that there is nothing random about that boy and everything he says is calculated. Any seemingly "random" question will find its way back into a later conversation. He cant bull shyt me to save his life. He felt bad that he wasnt doing what he said he would. All it did was annoy me.

So again, here we are on another sunday and long story short we or rather he decided that if it came to the point where the two of us couldnt handle his overbearing job requirements, we would mutually break up. His job was taking a toll on us and our relationship and its better if we were just friends. Fine. No problem. I had no say in the matter it seems. I dont think i ever really had a say in much things. I had the illusion of choices. It was always seemingly Gregs way or no way at all if there were situations not to his liking.

I felt sad about it for like 3 days. Crying most of the first and now not at all. I cared alot about Greg and I thought that it would have gone far but I guess thats over now. How are you supposed to go from bf/ gf to just friends or how we used to be which was speaking every week or so.. seeing each other like once a month. It's hard to transition. In theory but im good right now. I aint even emotional writing this right now. I've known Greg for 9 months but we were a couple for 3. My relationships dont have longevity. One day i suppose. One day....

Now those who knew of Greg asked if it was something that I could have worked out. Nope. Just couldnt do it. His job was too much stress and on top of that, I just feel like I was in a relationship with 1984. George Orwell. Big Brother, minus the thought police. I didnt feel like anything was sacred. I didnt have a full peace of mind and if you dont have a full peace of mind, is it ever really worth it? I aint putting a price on sanity.

So there are comments from the peanut gallery. One said that he wasnt right for me. Another said that he wasnt giving me all he could. That Greg needed to give more. I nod my head in fair accordance.

What made me laugh quietly to myself is what he told me when he called me the other day. His best friend said he thinks that Greg sabotaged the relationship. Im amused by that. Not chuckling and buckling over with laughter but it is worth a thought and I honestly do not know whether or not it is true. But for Greg to feel guilty about it, i guess it holds some truth. AP agrees with the sabotage theory. Me? *Kanye Shrug* All I want to do right now is just get the things I left over there. There is so much schedule conflict with me going by his crib to get my stuff, Im raising eyebrows. Honestly, idc about the clothes but I do want my face wash and pretty blue towel. My priorities are skewed.

I said earlier last week that I wish i had some kind of resentment for him because it would make the break up easier to deal with. In retrospect, I retract that statement. I want no feelings. Not caring is far worse than even hating him. Feeling nothing at all. I think I just pushed my feelings for him so far back that I dont even know what shadow of my mind they lurk in anymore.

I dont think that I will be in a relationship for a while again. It was cool while it lasted but its whatever. Summer is here. Im gonna be single (YAY!) Nothing better than single summers I tell ya boy. If it's meant to be, it shall. In the mean time, I will just be loving me.

What is Happiness to you?

2011-05-06T13:15:00.003-04:00

I wrote this on my way from Katra on my iPod

I couldn't even answer the damn question which is wild especially considering I know things that make me happy. Or well, I think that they do. He told me to dwell on the question tonight.

He asked what am I about. There is more to me than meets the eye. I stand out in the crowd he said. An air of sophistication. The way I am dressed. The way I carry myself. Was I an English or philosophy major.

I'm destined for greatness. I'm destined to lead, not follow. I need a man who is going to let me be me. Let me be free. Someone is bringing me down and whenever the time comes, I need to be ready to go against them. Even if it is family.

I am one of the few people who can change the world. The next JFK. The next John Lennon. MLK. Kurt Cobain. I am meant to go far. That is if I do not get sucked in and blended by society and if I heard correctly die young.

No kids right now but I will have 2. And my husband won't be black.

This is what I run into when I leave Katra. Here I go thinking I was blending in. ...

Today's addition:

I didnt have much time to dwell on it last night.. went to the movies, came home, and went to sleep. I gotta admit. Freaked me out a bit when he stopped me. I too noticed him in the crowed. his earrings really. Nothing special. But i did notice him. Him asking me what happiness is for me really threw me for a loop because I couldnt even outright answer. I guess because I have had better days but even so, I need to let that question stew a little bit more.

He said if I could wake up next to you the rest of my life I would...

My husband wont be black. Ive been told this more than once. And first thing that comes to mind is Greg. I mean, its not set in stone that we will marry. Hell, we aint even engaged. It is just a nice idea/ thought that we play with. I mean he has white relative.. or is half white.. dont judge my unsureness... his background is peculiar ... but its just like damn... is this true

Now I can believe this seemingly crazy man or disregard all he said but that is kinda hard when the shyt he said made alot of sense...

i think that i will try to answer that question though

WHAT IS HAPPINESS TO YOU?

A Dream Deferred

2011-05-04T19:58:00.009-04:00

A Dream Deffered
by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.Or does it explode?

Every time I read this poem in school I always wondered why are we analyzing this tired ass poem. I am tie- yerd of reading it. Thankfully it seldom surfaced past Black History Month. But as I find myself in the middle of what I have come to call a quarter life crisis, this poem makes more sense to me. I appreciate its meaning.

I had an interview yesterday to be an office manager for this Architectural Firm. I felt that this was a grande opportunity. I already run an office. I have the background knowledge. I thought it would be a shoe in. I thought that it would be a little foot hold. Maybe get my big toe in the door for a promising future. WRONG. My degree is working "against" me. In essence I am over qualified because should I ever get that engineering job I've been eyeing for the past 2 years, I'm leaving whatever office I am working at to pursue my dreams. Because I didn't get it, I feel like my dream is again deferred. I withheld my tears until i got to the lobby and walked the 5 blocks to Broadway, put on my shades and hid my puffy eyes from the world. Got to BK and made a retail therapy purchase and went about my day.

I hate this economy. I hate it so much. I never thought that it would ever be this bad. If I knew that I couldn't get a job within two years I would have just went to school, gotten my masters and at least "escape" briefly. Why did I bust my ass for five years only to keep putting my dreams on hold because employers are too scared to hire and those who want to hire can not hire due to budget freezes. Is this what my life is turning into? A dead end job with a technical degree?

My dream deferred is festering like the sore Hughes talks about. It goes for runs, but it comes back. It stinks like rotten meat. My nose turns up at the thought of my degree knowing that it's seemingly useless these days. Crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? My dream has the potential to do that, if I get into finance. The perk of having an engineering degree is that there are a myriad of directions that you can go career wise. However, I want to be an engineer. Dreams deferred makes me sag like a heavy load. I am so disheartened more than I can verbally express.

I was talkin to my fellow civil Tomas about this today. I came across a listing for an Assistant Civil Engineer position on the DCAS site. I will apply but I honestly dont expect much because 1- it is the city and 2- I'm losing hope, again

It hurts when you are in talks and you get your hopes up and then nothing happens.

It hurts before that even happens because there is nothing to apply to and then people get on you like you are not doing anything.

People are so quick to assume that people like Tomas and I sit on our ass waiting for our phone to ring or emails to show up with job offers that say "DROP YA SHYT RIGHT NOW! YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE A JOB AWAITING!!!"

Naw, it aint remotely like that. Sometimes I go look at my degree and my eit certificate as a reminder that once upon a time i was productive. These days I really dont feel like I am. At all. Oh, would you like to know where my degree is? Underneath a pile of sweaters in my mother's closet still sitting in the same envelope it came in.

I am not where I thought I would be at 25. Those dreams well gone. Dead and buried and tulips have already sprouted from the burial site. "Here lies Dannielle's mid twenty dreams. They were great dreams. May they rest in peace"

LE SIGH...

Success at a young age I GUESS is overrated but when I see that my friends are successful it makes me wonder if I am a defect of my generation. They say good things come to those who wait and I often wonder when will it be my time to shine.

I feel ashamed of myself somedays. I feel like Greg should be with someone who is on his level. Im pretty enough, Im smart enough but I feel like a good job or rather something economically comparative would make it better. I could be talking pure horse shyt but I dont feel like I match up. Last week when I was out with him and AP, i got such a harsh reminder that I am no where near on their level and it hurts so much. I have learned in my years to mask alot of my feelings. But as they spoke over their respective positions and career duties over me, in essence I realized that shyt sucks and if I sat there for an extended period it would have killed my buzz. Much like how its killing my buzz now. To tell the truth, I felt like an outsider. I felt like I didnt belong. Recruiter, Director.. and me.. yeah.. I dont belong here. Point me to the nearest exit.

I sit here, and I cry because my life just seems like a waste right now. Waking up to go to a place I don't want to be. Depositing a small check that I somehow make work for me. Finding solace in my favorite treats, the new songs on my ipod/ Mushu, and hugs from my bf which makes me forget that the seeds of grass have not yet sprouted.

I don't want a hand out. I want to achieve my dreams on my own, but no man is an island. I can not do everything by myself. I just want to know, when is it my turn?

The Strike

2011-05-01T15:28:00.010-04:00

Yes, I know it has been a while. I never claimed to be a consistent blogger. But here I am. Tada.

I just finished reading one hell of a novel. Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. Sounds familiar? It should. It is in theaters now. I took it upon myself to read the book because I once attempted to read it and never succeeded. The book is 1,069 pages. Yes, that damn long AND it took 11 days but I finally finished it.

The book is so damn dense that it requires formidable concentration just to grasp what the characters are saying. Rand writes beautifully, I will not discredit that but she is long winded. One person was "speaking" for 30 pages. THIRTY PAGES. It's just a long book and not meant for casual readers.

If you follow me on twitter (@VexySpice) or are my friend on FB you may have seen some dense statements I made. This is from the book. Things I quoted, I pretty much agree with and/or felt that it was intriguing enough to be shared.

Things I picked up:

-One should not earn that which they have not deserved.

-Complete government control is no good. Let the producers produce and do not hand tie them. Low key republican. I don't know Rand's political affiliation though.

-"Refusal to recognize reality, for any reason whatever, has disastrous consequences"

Real eyes realize real lies. in laymans terms

"...Individual ability is of no consequence, that individual effort is futile, that an individual conscience is a useless luxury, that there is no individual mind or character or achievement, that everything is achieved collectively, and that it's the masses that count, not men."

Partial disagreement. I know that strength relies in numbers however, it is the act of one person that becomes a catalyst for movement. One significant act I would say. There lies some controversy in that statement.

"When a man declares: 'Who am I to know?' - he is declaring: 'Who am I to live?'"

Knowledge requires thought. I think, therefor I am. I don't thing, I am not. I don't exist. I am not real. I am a robot, in essence.

There are more things to the book than the minor things i have mentioned. Im just glad that I finished it. Its amongst the last tangible books I will read. Buying a nook this week.

Anyhoo.. happy sunday folks... This negro will ensue reading.

The Ramblings of a Mad Woman

2011-04-18T18:08:00.007-04:00

This entry is may be a mixture of tenses, being that I started writing it in the wee hours of this morning. Here we go...

I start writing this at 4 AM as though i do not have responsibilities in the morning. Chalk it up to that 3 hour nap I took this evening. I swear I dont learn no to do that. I repeat that mistake about every week.

I wanted to start writing to get a train of thought going. All of this will be transferred to my blog later. So it's about 2 AM and I am sitting on my bed stitching up a pocket book interior that has torn. The lazy person in me would have found a seamstress of some sort but I instead chose to gather my thread and needle and get to work. Mind you, this is after I have swept my floor, put away clothes and started laundry. All in the middle of the night. And it occurred to me- Is this a a part of (my) womanhood?

I put my in parenthesis because womanhood/women/ role of women has popped up ALOT in my conversations of recent.

A couple of weeks back my friend Drew went in on a mini rant on twitter about why a woman, a REAL woman should know how to cook. What is boils down to is the ability to provide and nurture the ones you care about. You cant cook so I guess you, your man, and potentially your kids are going to starve, eh? Where should you get these skills from? Granny, aunt, mom, home ec? Doesn't quite matter really, just as long as you could at least scramble an egg or something. For public information, I am no Rachel Ray but I can handle myself in the kitchen.

Now I am not just limiting the role of women to cooking. Of course not! There are other domestic things like cleaning, laundry, sewing, etc etc and i realized that a lot of this I learned consciously
as well as sub consciously from my mother. There are just some things that as a woman you should know how to do. Outside of house work and what not at the very top of the list- WEAR HEELS!!If Sydney can do it, so can you. And she aint even two yet! POW!

OH! Dont forget a little make- up. No need for the clown faces, but eyeliner, mascara and some lip gloss make for a substantial difference.

As a woman we are looked up to as the caretakers. The lovers. The ones who kisses the booboos for the babies. The cooker. The cleaner. The (insert mundane task/ capability). By no means do I feel that as a woman, our sole role is to be wife and mother blah blah. That in itself is a job but we should be a buttress to our man (if you have one that is). As they say, behind every strong man is a strong woman. Just think about all your power couples. Makes perfect sense. Jay Z and Beyonce (who may produce the umm.. i dont see how they may have cute babies but i digress) Will and Jada, and of course President Obama and the first lady. We shouldn't supplement a man, we should complement him. Have the ability to stand on your own two feet on every level.

Relax. I aint saying burn ya bras. Please dont blast Beyonce and Destiny's Stepchildren Independent Woman . Not necessary. Be just as strong as a man, but with the grace of a woman. I think we can do things better anyway, provided we take hold of our emotions.

I mean, this is just the way I look at it. This is purely my opinion. I feel like I'm rambling due to the fact thoughts are all over the place. As for me, Im still working on myself to be the best woman than I can be because in the end that is all i can do. Ramble done. Im going home.

One Question

2011-04-10T14:21:00.002-04:00

This blog is brief. It is only brief because right now I find it hard to assemble my thoughts these days or rather, assemble it this weekend because entirely too much is going on. My question is as follows:

HOW CAN YOU CORRECT AN ERROR IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE ERROR IS AND NO ONE WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID WRONG?

Those magical words

2011-03-30T21:17:00.009-04:00

Not the manners related ones. Please. Thank you. Excuse me. Blah Blah.. I'm just going to give you the benefit that you were raised with them and exercise them as necessary.

I. LOVE. YOU.

Three words that hold so much weight. Love is a word so casually strewn that I exercise caution when I use it. Some people don't.

I love my family. 6:30 all day. (think about it)
I love my friends.
I love my boyfriend.

Yea, I said it. I love my boyfriend. No, the world isn't ending LOL. But loving and being in love are two different things. Why do I love him? Cause he embodies awesomeness. Intelligent. Attractive. Caring. Great conversationalist. Hardworking. Amusing. Protective. I can go on, but I dont need to. I never once regretted time spent with him. A lot of the time we are together we are just talking about the craziest of things. Mind your business on when we arent talking.. HAHA. Last topic: viciousness versus malice and which one of us was worse in the relationship. He said im vicious.. LOL.. I beg to differ.

As for being in love... IDK.. they say you just know.. and Dannielle doesnt know. But I know I really care about him and I miss him. And it bothers me when i dont see or talk to him when i want to. I partially frown upon myself for the gayness of previous statements..lol.. However, I will say this. I dont think that it is hard to fall in love with him. I really dont. Our relationship is an odd one. Not the circumstances or anything, just the individuals in it. But it feels right.

"what if.. what if.. what if [s]he's the one?" ~Andre 3000 "Where Are My Panties"

And if he is, then I surely dont mind.

"Love can feel so good and suddenly its over"~ Ryan Leslie "Out of the blue"

True, but I'm living for the moment and right now it feels amazing. I think it can only get better.

And of course my iTunes is psychic.. running a crap load of love songs even when on shuffle.

"She Will be Loved" Maroon 5

I will be. By whoever is lucky to have me =)

For trivial purposes, as I have been listening to mixtapes all damn day .
Side bar: I be on my hood ish. I love a good mixtape. In theory I should be rapping or ghostwriting but Ill leave it to the people who truly have the desire and skill to do so.

As i was listening to Big Sean ( signed with Kanye G.O.O.D. Music... his fine self) mixtape Finally Famous Vol. 3 "Memories" I caught this line

"Are you willing to give up what you love for who you love?"

Just a question...

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

My father and I.

Funny I chose this picture especially considering topic discussed.Not once as far as I can recall has he ever told me "I love you." The closest I got was "You know what Dannielle, I like you". I hung up on him and didnt speak to him for a few weeks after that. But i was in my early teens. Cried.. kicked a fuss. Got over it. I think that my father just has expression issues. Im talked of very highly apparently. Every time I go to DC its like Im the golden child. ( I mean I am his ONLY child. I damn well better be the golden child)

I think I've grown to accept my father. Some days I can even say I like him, with a smile even. LOL. Dont hate him as I used to. I cant say I love him, but above all he is my father and nothing will ever change that . I was talking to Annie P (Click her name and check her blog) and she was like "all fathers dont get gold stars".. I had to laugh cuz at the very least, the gold star my father can get are for his genes contribution. He helped make me one fine specimen if i do say so myself *dusts shoulder*.

Anyway.. Lemme end this blog (which i thought would have been short.) If you love someone, tell them. You don't know what the future holds.

Misery

2011-03-28T22:06:00.002-04:00

I am not in your shoes. You are not in mine. Yet and still I feel that there decisions that you could have made that wouldn't have you feeling the way you do - miserable. Like any other emotions you have, you can take control of it. I'm not saying you are not allowed to feel miserable but more often than not if you are unhappy I gotta question why that may be the case

I was texting my friend today... and it was generic chat. You know what's up, how are you and things of that nature. So conversation proceeds as such.

Her: On my way to school
Me: Yay school!
Her: LOL neva yay
Me: lol.. but ur getting ur JD next year tho
Her: So what. I hate law

Side bar: I missed the so "what" factor earlier. I didnt think getting your JD was something to just say so what towards. Juris Doctorate for those who dont know what JD stands for

Me: Do you really?
Her: Yea I hate school
Me: Hating school is different from hating law
Her: I hate law as well
Me: So why do it if you hate it
Her: Too far in
Me: I gather but why even start
Her: B/c I had nothing else to do at the time

I didnt reply back because i didn't quite know what to say ... that and I had work to do

I pose this question to anyone who reads this: If you have nothing else to do, would you go to law school knowing you dont like law and you dont like school? Now my answer off the bat would be no. I dont do things I dont want to do if I dont have to do it. I dont get it. I really dont.

I can be miserable when I am ready and I know that. I also know that I choose those moods. It is much easier to be mad and miserable than it is to be happy and what not.

Long story short: Pick your poison.

If people choose to be miserable, there is nothing you can do about it because that is what they choose. You cannot choose for them. You can only help people who want to help themselves. It is said that misery loves company but that aint company I want to keep. When Im miserable I dont even want to bother people with my woes. It's selfish. I dont want you to feel bad because I feel bad but we are human. Shyt happens.

With that being said, I am gonna take my behind to sleep because I will surely be miserable tomorrow if i dont get enough of it.

Randomness my boss writes

2011-03-27T16:13:00.003-04:00

I am a big fan of Dr. Seuss. BIG. I guarantee that my children will have most, if not all of his books to read. To this day I still Google and watch "The Lorax" if I am bored enough. I watch it solely for the barbaloots. They are mad cute. The Lorax is just a a tight wad, but with good reason. "I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues."

Barbaloots... LOL

No, this is not a pointless tangent. I mention Dr. Seuss because I use a quote of his as my signature when I send emails.

"Today you are you, this is truer than true, there's no one alive that's youer than you!"

My boss proceeds to respond to my email with the following:

This is for you. Not me. Not him or her.
To everyone else I cannot defer
For him and her are not you.
Even me is not you, you know that to be true.
So enjoy every minute, every hour, every day
What more is there to say? Nothing!
So you are you and you are "D"
That's the way it is. So let it be.

Cute. Ode to Dr. Seuss i suppose. I appreciate the cheesy gimmicks. LOL.

Quantities of Life

2011-03-26T11:31:00.004-04:00

How much is too much?
How soon is too soon?
How late is too late?

Just amongst my questions about the quantities of life. And this can be applied to a spectrum of things. Love. Goals. Relationships. Food. You already know food had to get thrown in.

How much is too much? How much bull shyt do you have to tolerate from someone or something before you let go, say fuck it and / or fuck em up. Be passive about it? Cry a little bit. Pick up the pieces. Keep it moving. Love too much? I don't quite think that you can love too much but if you love something to the point where it clouds the better judgment in matters... Yea, that is a bit much.

How soon is too soon? From a relationship standpoint. This particular question regarding said standpoint is hard to describe. First thing- how soon should one get into a new relationship? Weeks, months, years.. what? I know some people who love being in relationships. I have no problem with that. What i have a problem with is people who feel the need to be in one to assess self worth. That is the worst. With that being said, i feel like they should be the main ones not jumping into new relationships anytime soon just because I think they should learn how to enjoy being single. Purely my opinion. I broke up with my ex July 09. I have been with Greg officially for about a month (we met in august). That's almost 2 years for me. Why so long for me? Aside from the fact i typically avoid relationships like the plague, I needed to make sure that I was ok and not extremely bitter regarding my break up and wanted to keep the amount of proverbial baggage limited to a clutch. I did, I have Greg, and I are Happy =)

But for people who are coming out of extremely long relationships? How soon is too soon for you?

Second thing- How soon is too soon to be chillin with your ex. Let's define chill. Movies, dinner, maybe a lounge for a drink. Kicking it wherever. Nothing romantic just relaxed atmosphere. I had a bad day the other day and long story short my ex was like "maybe i should take out my homie D Nice to cheer her up" .. I said that's nice of you.. he said "Well since you insist, where would u like to go" ... I didnt quite respond.. Hell, I didn't even ask him to take me out... He later proceeds to tell me wear heels. (because he likes ladies in them *steups*)

PAUSE

Dinner? Fine. Heels? Arrrr *Scooby Doo Voice*

Lemme put you on game. This is my ex; for whom I couldn't give a damn about for the past 2 years and up until last week i have never looked at him without a feeling of disgust. Sean (my ex) has a GF. I could care less. He ain't seen her in a month and change because she is pledging. Again, IDGAF. But because I feel down, he volunteers to take me out. *raised eyebrow*

Now you know and I know that i have no intentions of giving that boy anything more than civil conversation and a hug at most. But even so, I asked 4 people for advice. Take up the offer for free dinner (nom nom nom) or decline due to the fact im in a brand new relationship and have respect for Greg. All said no. I had my doubts about it to begin with. I mean, if I have to deliberate over something as simple as dinner, I shouldn't go anyway. I kindly declined and he said the offer stands and can be cashed in at any time. I asked him why doesn't he take out any of his other lady friends. He said he had none that he wanted to take out. He is not as much of a ladies man as he thought he was.

BIG. FUCKING. HA.

Above all that, Im glad that we are on speaking terms. But I aint going back to Sean. He is and ex for a reason. Besides, Greg is awesomer. =)

How late is too late? 2 minutes. 15 minutes. 3 hours. A few days. One weeks. Months. Years.....

I dont like lateness. Never did. I roll up to my job 10 minutes late because I know there are no consequences and why am I in an office at 9 am knowing ima be here alone in silence until at least 9:30 .. Yeah.. NEXT.. I dont like people who have no regard for my time and are late if we are meeting up. That was a major qualm in college. Niggas... always wanna be fashionably late..

I can get over things like that. Late apologies, not really. Depending on who it's from. Money returned late? hell no. Ungrateful shoesbrush ass negros. Im not concerned about the money really. More so the principle of things, but these days alot of people are lacking scruples. Late apologies are amongst the worst thought. By the time you get them you are usually 1- over it or 2- bitter about it and then it boils down to the apology meaning not one thing. I speak from experience. Oh well.. such is life.

Too much. Too soon. Too late. It varies for people. I know what works for me. Find what works for you. As they say "Too much or too little of one thing is no good"

And for today's challenge

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

[insert your picture here]

Chances are if you are reading this, you mean a lot to me. Yeah I cheated, but eff it. YOU mean alot to me. Shouts to you!

Meltdown...

2011-03-25T00:33:00.007-04:00

I was actually on a ball rolling with the job research but I had to stop because I need to write. Well, I want to write. A lot has been going on for me and I guess it is finally time that I put everything down on paper. Not in the literal sense considering the only thing I actually write with my hands are messages.

I had a melt down yesterday. All due to the fact that I have a job that's playing with my money and due to financial issues popping up because of that, it all boiled down to the fact that I am NOT where I think I should be in life. Tears,twitter rant, silent screams, lack of eating, lack of conversation, and a really good nap and varying length of conversations to get over this hump. In essence I feel/felt like a waste of matter. I am 25 years old and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Keep in mind the word FEEL. Im beautiful. (And shallow obviously, LOL) Intelligent. I have a BS in Civil Engineering (sitting in the same envelope it came it on that warm august day) and i passed my FE (the 8 hour test towards professional engineering licensure). Great friends and family. An awesome boyfriend. I am blessed and highly favored and I need to realize that no one can take these things away from me because they aren't going anywhere. In time I will get what is due to me. Patience is not a virtue i have, but Ima have to either develop or buy some.Im going to be hopping around a bit so stay up if you can. Sorry, that is just how I think.

I emphasized the word feel earlier because I had a good convo with a friend. Amazing how emotions "affect our lives and influences our reality...How you feel literally affects your bio-molecular chemistry" In prior entries I mentioned how being positive has led me to have a popping ass 2011 thus far.. I tripped... and i fell... but im up and at it again. So I'm back on my black stallion and we gonna ride out into the sunset of success. *cue clint eastwood jingle*

With that being said, after my nap i ensued on an earnest job hunt and started editing my resume. I set a goal. I am leaving my present job by the fall. Winter 11/12 will not find me in that office. I am capable of so much more. I refuse to settle. I will get what I want. They don't appreciate me enough for what I do, and of lately it has been alot. I do it because I know i can do it and I am not lazy but they playing games and I aint with it one bit.

Minor points made after my meltdown:
Ash the bff suggests that maybe i should choose other venues to air my emo troubles out as opposed to twitter. She respects the fact i do. I respect her opinion. But i like twitter.. Its like an odd group therapy session. It works for me. Lord knows im not consistent with the blogging.

Rinaldy said something to me that really shook me up..in a good way. He asked how i felt this morning and I said that i was living, but didnt feel alive. "...don't focus on the past or the future, and live in the moment fully, you'll be alive again" He also said "don't try, just set your mind to do. Trying leaves room for failure and doubt." Aint that the damn truth. No more trying. Just gonna be like Nike and do it.

[Random fact: Nike is the Greek word meaning "victory". According to legend after the Battle of Marathon a messenger ran 26 miles to the city and said "nike" (we won) and collapsed due to exhaustion. This is origin of marathons ]

Chris was another one who made another valid point. I'm 25 years old and that's still young. "The whole career from young and etc is too overrated. you got time still" Hard to even get started young with that catch 22 of hiring .. companies look for experienced individuals but no one is hiring you to get it... i will never understand that.

Id like to thank my other friends who reached out to me. I love y'all and I appreciate it far beyond words.

In other news....

I ran into my ex last sunday. For the first time in 2 years since we broke up i didnt feel angst towards him. I was actually glad to see him. Dropped me home in his new benz as opposed to me opting to take the B41 home. I am NOT a fool. So we have been playing nice for the most part minus him pissin me off when he asked why my beau has me on a bus and aint driving me around. I called him shallow. and went off.. but he apologized and its ok now. He actually hit me up today to ask if i was ok. Like he cares more about me out of the relationship. Odd, but cool. Again, I appreciate the support from whatever source it may be.

Now, I've mentioned my beau alot. Never quite "introduced" him. Not necessary but he is a part of my life. Ive grown "fond" of him. Fond. He uses that word quite often. Mom likes him. Sibs like him. He likes them. He likes my friends, those who he met. and my friends like him. Even the ones who havent met him (yet). He is just that awesome. I now present Greg

aka Karate Kid (via Chris) aka Spring Roll (via Kirk) aka Hitler (via me.. do not ask.. LOL)Random Saturday night together

All this guy like to do is kick.. always wanna kick someone in their jaw

I dont know how to describe him aside from the fact he is unlike anyone I have ever met. As odd as he is, and as odd as I am, we work together and it keeps us happy.

I dont think i can write anymore right now. Im actually getting tired. Maybe I will write in the morning.

And for the hell of it

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

City Hall Records

I looked through books older than my mother just to find actual paper documentation regarding the change of a street status. This has gone on for two weeks. Looking through books older than my grandma and dusting book and map bits off of my pants because they are that old. City Records is cool tho. Didn't have much time to gander at the architecture. On that note. Next blog.

I could just beat myself senseless

2011-03-17T00:45:00.004-04:00

Seriously.

This is what happens when you start to work 7 days a week and get caught up in work and well, life in general. There has been so so so so much going on. I need to finish my 30 day challenge which has possibly mutated into a 3 month one.. shame... Spring is literally right around the corner.. the birds chirp almost every goddamn day... i know its not a bad thing but u ever want some silence... and these muh fuckas is chirping.. like shaddup already!!

i have a severe case of ADD right now. Im having problems finishing this post due to twitter and Lupe.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

The world.

It isn't really a far-fetched idea. I could become a PE and help build shelters in third world countries. Become rich and be a philanthropist. End world hunger. End poverty. Rid the world of disease and war. Most importantly get rid of the freaking idiots. It pains my soul when people don't utilize common sense. I swear it does. Them folks should just be ostracized and placed on an island to live in solitude.

IN OTHER NEWS....

The girl with the dragon tattoo was poppin!!! I need to read the other books

Cut my hair... im looking uber swanky

Yes, I am ridiculous like that. I love my cut and also need to get it done

Oh, and those are the babies.. I loves dem. <3

OK.. so i think that I am going to go to bed soon.. im getting tired... til next blog..hopefully tomorrow

Day 23

2011-02-20T16:25:00.004-05:00

You know, I thought that by having a mac i would be blogging more frequently... LIES. I spend more time playing with it than actual blogging. On top of that, I have been ridiculously busy. SO much has been going on with me. My days off no longer exist. Neither does my single life. By no means am I complaining about the change or the busy lifestyle I will be leading. I just hope that it doesnt interfere with my sleeping habits too much. With strong modification of my sleeping habits, I can get right That is, if Greg doesnt interrupt it. LOL.

Ive started reading again. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.. Thanks wife. I like it so far

On to the challenge

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

I like book because of the protagonist Holden Caulfield. I like how they describe Holden but you never really know what he looks like because the author maintained that ambiguity. I guessed him to be attractive because he got girls in the book.. he just didnt know how to keep them. I liked his attitude, although the cynicism and sarcasm might be a bit much for people. Here is one of my favorite excerpts

~~~~~

"Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules."
"Yes sir. I know it is. I know it"
Game my ass. Some game. If you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it's a game, all right- I'll admit that. But if you get on the other side, where there arent any hot-shots, then what's a game about it? Nothing. No game.

Maybe I'll read it again soon

Side bar: i think my bf is awesome

Day 22

2011-02-13T14:16:00.003-05:00

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

I wish that i could have pictures of something that was actually material. So I found a substitute picture. A pig in mud. I wish I were better at keeping things neat. If you ever see my room.. HOT MESS... Somehow i haven't broken my neck on anything as of yet. Knock on wood. I can clean thoroughly and it'l be really nice but give it a week and it looks like WW III.. Damn shame.

In other news...

I have a boyfriend... tada! Dating for a few months and now he's my whole bf... Greg... He's awesome.

More importantly, i am an intern at the brooklyn borough presidents office. its MY TIME.

i need a damn nap.

Checking a New Box

2011-02-06T12:17:00.004-05:00

So I haven't blogged in a full week but I have more than enough good reason. Quite a bit has happened in the past week that didn't really allow me to sit down and blog. Work was busy and I was not in the mood to fight the desktop and it's possessed keyboard. But nonetheless, here I am. Blogging on my new MacBook Pro =D *SUPER CHEESE*

My 25th Birthday was last saturday. It's kind of hard to believe that I am a quarter of a century old. Some people are morbid about it but I actually embraced it. It's almost like a new beginning. For me anyway. Granted, I now check that 25- 30 Age box on applications but its much more than a box on a piece of paper. It's a state of mind.

I spent the past year reflecting on everything in my life. People, and my relationships with them. My past. My present. My future and how I can work to make things better. Thus far, they have been. I had a wonderful January. No exaggeration. Things are looking up for me. 2011 is all about good things.

And i will commence with my 30 Day Challenge

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Nothing. Everything that you experience in life is a lesson learned. Simple.

Day 20

2011-01-29T10:32:00.002-05:00

Here I sit in the office. On 2.5 hours of sleep. I find that that doesn't quite qualify as sleep but more so a nap. Anyway, here I am. I figure I may as well do today's challenge while i am relatively coherent.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Ancient Egypt and things of, near, or relating to it. I think their history(that which is documented) is so rich (literally and figuratively). From an engineering / architectural standpoint I have an even deeper desire to visit.

Yo I need a nap. Like now. Damn you responsibilities! *Shakes fist*

Lost sleep was well worth it =)

Day 19

2011-01-26T15:16:00.003-05:00

I frown upon myself. I haven't blogged in days. A bit too much going on in my life. Work. Friends. BIRTHDAY *Dancing smiley* But here I am, with a new entry. Yay! Along with a sore throat. Boo -__-

Day 19 - A picture of when you were little

Look at me!!! I look the same. Taller. Glasses. WAY more hair. LOL

Day 18

2011-01-23T14:24:00.002-05:00

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

How do you take a picture of an insecurity? For me, I would have to say that it would be fear of inadequacy or constant comparison for lack of a better phrase. I only have an iPhone Blackberry up because those are constantly up for comparison. Funnily enough I own a BB, have an iPod touch so i see the desire in having an iPhone, but heavily leaning towards getting an android phone. I digress as usual...

Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough. I'm not attractive enough for men. Not smart enough to get those grades. Not good enough for this job. Not prepared enough to (insert activity.) Just. Not. Enough.

I know that i shouldn't feel like this. It's not a constant hovering cloud of insecurity, but it comes and goes. Granted I know that all the prior things that I have listed might just prompt "WTF is wrong with you" from my friends but it is the way that I feel. And I am allowed to feel, right? I have been doing it less and less though, thankfully. I realized that some things are just beyond my control contributing to why I feel LIKE I'm not good enough. Perhaps I haven't tapped into my full potential as of yet. One day soon though...

IN OTHER NEWS.....

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN ONE WEEK!!!! YAZZZZZZ... Cant wait. Cake.Thai.Friends.Love. <3

My sister's birthday is tomorrow. Cousin's on Tuesday. It's all about Aquarius. We Rule.

I definitely just realized that I put cake before Thai. Epic fatness.

Day17

2011-01-21T17:00:00.004-05:00

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

POSITIVITY!!!

Focusing on the good instead of the bad. Now, I never once claimed to be the sole keeper of pessimism. Harsh realist perhaps, as well as a cynic. But pessimist? NO. Neither am I miss mary sunshine. However, I decided as mentioned in prior entries that I would be more optimistic about things. (not in those words per se but general gist). I would see the glass as half full instead of half empty. It's the law of attraction. You get what you put out. Refusing to see the bad in things allows me to stay happy and keeps more good things coming my way. yeah i've been loaning money to some unsavory negros. MEH. I had it, its not making or breaking me. Karma for them later if its not returned, but i digress. I find that it is coming back to me tenfold anyway, just because i feel good about it. I feel good about everything. Work is never exciting, but guess what? I have a job to pay those horrible bills every month. Yay? LOL. My birthday is next week Sunday (1/30) and I will be turning 25. I am looking forward to it. I dont really pay much attention to age, more so the fact that my cake is going to be all sorts of awesomeness.

Positivity goes a long way. I'm just getting started.

Day 16

2011-01-19T17:30:00.002-05:00

Yea, so I slacked off. I was trying to do these blogs day to day but sometimes life doesn't run as smoothly as you like it. Here it is a day late.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

I always joke and say that I want to be like Ms. Payne when I grow up. But I'm partially serious. She is a long time friend, fellow Schuyler alum and all around wonderful person who is very inspirational. I admire her tenacity towards life. She puts 110% in all she does and is, even when she might not have the best hand dealt, still optimistic. I have her to thank most of my 2010 memories. So cheers to u AP! This entry is for u

(Photo from our weekend trip to DC 10/16/10... I wonder if you remember this pic.. LOL)

Day 15 .... and then some

2011-01-17T16:51:00.003-05:00

This will be one helluva blog due to three things

1- Day 15 of the challenge
2- MLK Holiday
3- Personal revelation

First on the agenda: Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die. I want to run the NYC Marathon. Now, when I was in high school and I said this to my teammates, they looked at me as though i was sniffing the highest grade of crack. I ran track, btw. HS was 7 years ago. (YIKES) but the dream still exists. I told myself that I would run the marathon this year. I plan to start running in March and eventually work my way up to about 22 miles. Im thinking about a 16 week program to prepare for it. I dont care if no one wants to run with me, Im stubborn enough to go at it alone and on the other hand, millions of others running too. =). That bucket list item will be crossed off.

Second on the agenda - The MLK Holiday

Im writing this as I sit in the office. As expected, it is a slow day but I should have the decency to at least mention the Kang as Ms. Payne likes to call him. No reason to go into his bio because if you dont know about him by now, you are a lost cause. Completely lost. We have come a very long way thanks to him, and others but please know that the struggle is not over

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity. " - MLK

Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – April 4, 1968)

Third and final on the agenda - personal revelations

January is the month that starts off the year. (DUH) Most people like to have resolutions and do things they ought or oughtn't. Damn thats a funny looking word. Anyway, I figure with the new year one should not bring the old gawbidge with them. Why spell it phonetically? Because it is really that bad. 2010 was the year that people chose to show their asses. I aint with it this time around so miss me with it. Yet and still, it ensues. Im dodging those bullets like Neo in the Matrix.

I have 4 individuals "friends" i suppose, whom I met in college, of them one is supposedly my best friend. SUPPOSEDLY. Im never invited anywhere really. If i am, Im last to know. But like everything else in the past, 2011 is no different. They kicked their bull shyt up a few notches right before 2011 to seal the deal. Recent behaviors only add insult to injury but would i say that I am mad. Nawwwwww. Im cooling because I been felt myself withdrawing from them. Ive been growing and realizing that some people arent meant to be in your life forever. Their time is over. good bye. On top of that that, Im going off of chapelle's VD skit and as quoted by Stinky"That's why... I say... Fuck it"

I have real friends. Better friends. Who wouldnt throw more shade than a tree at high noon, no clouds.

People pick their own poison in life. Happiness. Sadness. Misery. Joy. You aint killin my buzz.

No way. No how. Besides, My birthday is in 2 weeks. Quarter of a century

ITS A CELEBRATION BITCHES!!!! *rick james voice*

Day 14

2011-01-16T11:57:00.006-05:00

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

I cant even begin to describe where I would be without my mother. Granted, I grew up in a large family with very supportive relatives. But I never had consistent father figures, so all I ever knew was my mom. Mom bought my clothes. Mom bought my shoes. Mom gave me money. Mom was my provider and caretaker. Granted, anyone can be a provider but my mom has always been a pillar of strength for me. Even in moments of weakness, she doesn't buckle. She reaffirms her stance. "And this too shall pass" she always says. Mother, full of adages that carry on into my adulthood. Adages, as well as songs she sings like

SALLLLLLLLLLLLLTFISH! NOTHING IN DI WORLD IS SWEETA DAN SALLLLLLLLLTFISH. MAN LICK DOWN MAN FI FIND IT. SALLLLLLLLLLLTFISH. IT SWEETA DAN MEAT.

Ill always love my momma. She's my favorite girl.

*DISCLAIMER: Clearly that's an older pic*

Day 13

2011-01-15T16:12:00.004-05:00

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

JUDGE ME. I DARE YOU.

I dont care that they have been singing longer than I have been alive. I love them all. If you dont know who they are, let me inform you. They, my friends, are New Edition. One of the greatest male R&B groups of all time. These 6 men (boys at one point) Johnny Gill, Ralph Tresvant, Bobby Brown, Michael Bivins, Ricky Bell, Ronnie DeVoe, compose my favorite group evarrrrrrrr. Yes I recalled all without reference Bobby, Ralph and Johnny became solo acts and The other three formed the obvious, BellBiv DeVoe *singing* That girl is poisonnnnnnnnn *does the running man*

My favorite song of all time by them is "Can you stand the rain."
I've memorized the video for "if it isnt love"
Ralph is my favorite. I think Id seriously have his babies. lol

Day 12

2011-01-14T17:19:00.003-05:00

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Music. My love is music. I don't write. I don't compose. I don't sing. I don't rap. But I still love music. R&B preferably. Hip- hop. Both old school mostly. Dancehall. Soca. Alternative. Punk.Rock. A dash of classical and a pinch of country for diversity. One thing you will never catch me without? My iPod. Why? This chica has got to listen to her music. Especially....

The Love Below. I run this album into the GROUND. Playing it right now =)

Day 11

2011-01-13T19:38:00.002-05:00

Day 11 - A picutre of something you hate.

I WISH it was pictures of things you hate. OOOOOH boy id dive into this challenge like I was a navy seal. Hazlenut. I absolutely freaking HATE hazlenut. The nut itself. The nut by products. Nutella. Hazlenut flavored coffee. I HATE everything about that damn nut. Smelling the coffee gives me really bad headache. I cant walk into Tim Hortons or 7-11 because of it. If i do, im holding my nose. God forbid i consume it, it brings on nausea. So yea, NO DAMN HAZELNUT.

Day 10

2011-01-12T16:49:00.002-05:00

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Aright.. This challenge is getting to be exasperating. I'm already bored. By messed up, does that mean crazy? Cuz I've done some crazy things. But with no particular person so that leads me to say that I do the crazy ish for dolo. LOL. I like to tip toe on the wild side from time to time.

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 9

2011-01-11T18:27:00.002-05:00

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

The only one who has been there from jump. The one who kissed my booboos. The one who combed my hair and made me look like i have a home. The one who despite hardship still manages to do what she does, and well. The one who sent me cards freshman year to give me motivation when i was depressed. The one who listened to me cry and complain on the phone during school. The one who gave birth to me. One of the most awesome women in my life. My MOM

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 8

2011-01-10T23:20:00.004-05:00

I almost let this one slip through my fingers. It's late. I'm kinda tired and I'm doing laundry.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

POSITIVITY MAN!!!!

Do you remember this vulture from the jungle book? Awesomeness.

The 30 Day Callenge - Day 7

2011-01-09T13:23:00.002-05:00

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

There are only a few things that I couldn't live without. My family, my iPod and my phone. As much as I LOVE music and subsequently my iPod, my most treasured item is my family. Without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. My mom, my pop, my grannies, my aunts, my uncle, my siblings, my cousins and all of those who fall somewhere in between all of that.

No family is perfect. I have moments where I could just drop kick my brother, just to say the least. At the end of the day it boils down to me accepting my family for whatever faults they may have, and loving them for it. It builds character. So to you I present (many a picture, not just one) my family.

In no particular order:

Grandma, the almighty matriarch

Me, Tay, Frances

Rachael & I

Jozie & I

The Siblings & I

Gee & I

The Homettes Gab, Syd and I

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 6

2011-01-08T10:13:00.002-05:00

Im back up to speed snitches!!!

No frilly intros, just today's challenge

Day 06 - A picture of a person you would love to trade places with for a day

Damn. I gotta actually THINK about this one. I see some of my friends / acquaintances doing things that I think would enjoy. Their life SEEMS fun, but image isnt everything so Im sure theres some major sacrifice along the way. Be it privacy, sanity or what have you. This challenge is a tossup, so for the hell of it I will just say.. Rihanna

Yea. IDK. Trading places would just put me well out of my current tax bracket. And into some hella snazzy clothes. Yea. Definite win. I was thinking about Beyonce but who am I fooling. I dont even like her.

Besides, I love love love Rihanna short hair cuts.

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 5

2011-01-08T09:51:00.003-05:00

OK.. So I was kind of busy yesterday between work and chilling with Andrea and Alyssa after work. Two entries, same day. Day 5 and Im already slacking. I frown upon myself for such shennanigans.

Yesterday's challenge was:

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

TOO EASY!!! With that being said, I present to you

GRADUATION!!!!! Saturday May 9, 2009

University at Buffalo

Alumni Arena 12:30 PM

Five long grueling years of work celebrated over two days. This particular picture was taken at ALANA. In other words, the black graduation where we sit where we want (with our friends in other majors) and get our kente cloth sashes. Peep the short cut- I was friggidy fresh that day. Peep the orange tassel - that's for engineering majors. I remember it like it was yesterday. Goin to the salon to get my hair cut. Jumping with glee when my ex finally made it on campus. Drinking mimosas before ALANA. All too happy. I did it y'all! I did it! Just as I thought that I wasnt going to graduate and Dr. Human tried to play games with me like woman, just tell me if I passed your final so I know Im graduating. Thank you.

Brings a smile to my face. As well as an unshed tear. I miss UB and the people there. One thing for sure though, I DEFINITELY aint missing the cold.

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 4

2011-01-06T12:18:00.000-05:00

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

Hold up. What kind of ambiguousness is this? A picture of my night? Ever. So. Vague.

I sat at my desk yesterday filling out some form for work when my blackberry buzzed. Oh goody, a new BBM. and it was from Greg, or Karate Kid as I call him from time to time. He greets me with his usual "Hello Ms. Huey" and proceeds to ask me to go to wild wings with him because he has a craving. I ask if he's pregnant, just because I'm an idiot. Sadly, had to cancel wine plans with AP to go out, but that bottle will be gone tonight. hoorah..

So Im sure you're wondering, well maybe you arent, why he calls me Ms. Huey . Due to the massive fro that I had prior to my reunion with the creamy crack, I was lookin like the female Huey Freeman from The Boondocks. Similar attitude, just not as militant. My fro is what drew him in. He comes to my office for an interview and a few days later we are on a date. Funny.

I digress. So we arrange to meet up at 7 at

Over MY 12 wings (because you know I am a fat ass) and a basket of wedges we sat and talked of new years goals/ resoltuions, work, companies that I should look into, how menacing my nails look. Just a myriad of topics. He's one of those people who know ALOT but isnt a jerk about it. Good night though. Never otherwise with him.

You know, just talkin about this night has me wanting some more wings. SMH

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

2011-01-06T01:05:00.002-05:00

My name is not HOV. 2 points if you know the song reference.

I never fully introduced myself or my blog for that matter. You wanna know about me? Read my profile. You wanna know about my blog? Read it. My blog is as random as it gets. I cant tell you what I will be writing about from one day to the next. Why am i blogging? Because I want to. Who made you the blogging police? Besides, the voices in my head requested to be heard. HA

For this particular blog, let me start out by saying happy new year (5 days late.) I never been one to set resolutions because they are only kept for that first month of the year. However, I did absolutely decide on one thing - speaking it into existence, whatever it may be. I will accomplish whatever I put my mind to this year. These are things that I always wanted to do, I'm just backing it with way more positivity. The new year wasn't quite necessary for this change but it is a nice little kick start.

So here is my list:

2011 will be good

2011 will be prosperous

2011 will bring a better job and/ or career

2011 will bring a new love interest (I cant believe I wrote that.. HA)

2011 will be an enjoyable year for me

I REFUSE TO HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY

Im turning a quarter of a century this year. That is 25 years old for the slow folks. I feel that at this age I should have solidified what I am doin with my life. My arse is getting old!!! Thankfully I am not too confused about that. All I need is a career jumpstart and I swear to you that you will see me make some major moves. The world is not ready. *insert evil laugh*

With that being said, cheers to my first official post. YITTIDY!!!

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 3

2011-01-05T15:22:00.000-05:00

Today's challenge is.... *Drumroll*

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

The Game

Laziness forbids me to list the actors.. more notably you would recognize Tia Mowry and Pooch Hall. No, Pooch is not his real name. He is the reason I started watching the show though. It is a spin off from Girlfriends. I tell you boy, that Kelsey Grammer knows what he is doing.

The Game will premier season 4 on BET on Jan 11, 2011 after about a year of being canceled on CW. I think it will be the negro channel's saving grace and also the only reason i might just watch TV once a week.

Now, if you do know me (which I doubt you do) you would know that I am not a big visual media person. The more correct image to post for this challenge would be a blank slate because I dont watch TV. However, this is perhaps the only show where I actually watched episodes faithfully, and if I missed it, Id watch it online.

But yea... another challenge done. SCHWING!

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 2

2011-01-04T12:04:00.000-05:00

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been the closest with for the longest

Now, this proved to be a difficult one considering Ashley has been my bff since sixth grade. However, Eric I have known since 2nd and we are still friends and still close so I'm sorry bff, you have lost this battle. I still love you though :)

Eric and I in 1997 (5th Grade Graduation)

Eric and I in 2010 ( Sierra 23rd BDay BBQ)

Now granted we did fall off the radar between junior high and HS just because we went to different schools, but it never made our friendship crumble. Went to the Garden the other day with him actually. My boy Eric. Great person and a great friend.

And since this post was a close race, a pic of me n my BFF for honorable mention :)

The 30 Day Challenge - Day 1

2011-01-03T13:39:00.000-05:00

So in one of my late night browsing sessions of facebook, i came across something called the 30 day challenge. Everyday is some new thing. So here's to starting the challenge.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts.

1 - I am the oldest of 3 children for my mother. Sis is 19, soon to be 20 and my bro is 13
2 - I am allergic to Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream pies
3 - I am a natural born citizen with a caribbean upbringing. Moms is Jamaican, pops is Grenadian
4 - I am the awesomest sign everrrrrr. Aquarius, of course. Jan 30th
5 - My favorite album is The Love Below by Andre 3000
6 - I don't like shell fish. No, you will not see me at China Buffet with a pound of crab legs on my plate.
7 - Not a big visual media person. Movies, TV, Videos. SN : Don't ever make visual media references to me because chances are I will not get them.
8 - I LOVE baked goods. Cake, cookies, cupcakes, bread, pastries, pies. You name it, chances are I'll eat it.
9 - As of now, I have 10 piercings and 8 tattoos. Maybe more to come.
10 - I have a high regard for family values. If you don't have that, I can't rock with you.